• George Morris

That Time I Thought I Was Charlie Brooker...

It was May 2015, and I was in the midst of a period where I thought that by binge-watching Zero Punctuation game reviews online and reading Charlie Brooker articles in bulk I had turned into a writer capable of writing and pulling off scathingly-sarcastic satirical scrap. I took to making a blog about my endeavors too, entirely dedicated to my pessimistic drivel that was destined to be read at a hundred miles an hour...



On the one hand, it's a cool experiment to see how I emulated another writer's style, and I think I did okay at it. I also think some of the pieces I wrote are still quite funny, but a lot of it comes at the cost of taunting and ridiculing others. Of course, the person being ridiculed in this instance is Nigel Farage (this particular piece, one of the first I wrote, was amidst 2015's general election - remember back when those were infrequent?) so it's not as bad but it's still a frame of mind I'm not overly keen on.


But what with another general election now on our doorstep, I thought I'd try and keep it on your mind by resurrecting the piece for your eyes so you can marvel at how the pop-culture references have aged (no too badly, actually) and how angry the whole thing feels. For context, Brooker's own Election Wipe was broadcasting the evening I originally uploaded this post too, so make of that what you will. I now leave you in the hands of past George...


MASS IDIOCY or: HOW I LEARNED TO STOP WORRYING AND LOVE THE ELECTION


ELECTION DAY IS LOOMING! HAVE YOU REGISTERED? HAVE YOUR SAY!

YOU! YEAH, YOU!


Young people! Look we've demolished E4 for the day so now you have no reason not to vote. We all know you spend all of your time on E4 watching that hilarious Big Bang Tosh (Bamzooki!) that's sprouted enough catchphrases to give Stephen Mulhern an abundance of whiplash. Yes you see? We know what you're all about young people so why not have a say in the future of politics for the next predetermined amount of time?!


Oh look! There's a new Royal Baby too! Good thing she's been born just before the election, now she can have her say too! You don't want your say to mean less than a newborn baby's do you? Well tough, because not only will her opinion always mean more than yours but it also does even when she's so small she's not even able to register a coherent thought! Yes the paparazzi and media will be swarming every time her bowels move the slightest inch while you're there in the voting booth (or 'Damnation Cell') making your decision and contemplating whether to have a Tesco Value meal-for-one Spaghetti Bolognese tonight or just eat cookies and cream spread from the jar until your throat hurts and you pass out on the sofa in front of 'The Bill' repeats. But don't despair, you'll pass out that night with a proud 'I Voted' badge of approval (fictional badges in most cases - though feel free to make your own) hanging from your collar like a noose badge of honour signalling you've made a difference to your country.


Well done. You've fulfilled your potential as a human being and therefore should make your way down the corridor to your right in order to begin the ritual sacrifice of your mortal body to Cthulhu or whoever's the evil mastermind behind society in general...I bet it's those bloody immigrants again, stealing all our jobs and disturbing me when I'm trying to watch Mrs. Brown's Boys in peace. Can't even go to the fucking cinema to see Furious 7 without running into them, if only there was a party for me, the average bastard...


Well don't despair, yes while that is of course an exaggeration of recent proceedings here in the good old United Kingdom (yes, even you Scotland whether you like it or not) it is slightly worrying how much headway Nigel Farage (or 'Froggy McGee') has made in regards to the media and finding apparently dim-witted people like himself to rally into enough of a rage that they can be bothered to actually vote or support *shudders* UKIP.


Yes every party's pretty much dead inside and represents the people as much as Michael Bay represents subtlety but there seems to be an abundance of hate about the party that's pretty much made a name for itself in common conversation as 'the racist one' IN AN ELECTION THAT INCLUDES THE FUCKING BRITISH NATIONAL PARTY. But you see, whilst Nick Griffin counterbalanced his racist, damning time by teaching us how to make stew (I'll post a link down below - and by no means is this me sticking up for vile BNP) UKIP's members seem to be spending their free time threatening to murder people and telling members of the public with different views to fuck off...something doesn't seem right here. Oh! I know what it is! They're acting as their key demographic does of course! What a clever ole' frog Farage is, what a complete and utter genius I can't wait until they clean up this country and stop letting all them foreign bastards in. In fact, I might have a quick word with him right now...


*I struggle amongst the crowd outside a UKIP rally, barging through countless skinheads and raggedy dyed-haired old women sporting clothing with Little Britain catchphrases on them. A news reporter tugs on my jacket forcing me to roundhouse kick him in the jugular; he falls to the floor with a mighty wallop with a strangely tinny clang sound effect. I fight my way to the front of the crowd and pull out an England flag in order to garner Mr. Toad's attention. It does immediately*


Me: Mr Farage! Mr Farage! Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions?


Frog Joke: Of course not, I'm always happy, to answer as many questions as possible.


Me: Thank you so much, I was just wondering what your stance was on the Robert Blay murder threat...


Frog Joke: Ah...yes. Well, it's a pretty woeful situation that one-


Me: Pretty woeful? The man said he'd put a bullet between the eyes of the first Asian MP...that strikes me more than just 'pretty woeful'.


*I can see I've struck a nerve. Kermit scratches a pretend itch on the back of his neck as his neck glands bulge out, emitting a quiet 'ribbit' sound. I look around at the crowd, wondering if I'm the only person noticing this - apparently I am*


Frog Joke: I think...I think you'll be able to read everything else I have to say on the subject online. It's obviously a horrible event and Mr. blay has of course been suspended. He used to be a member of the Conservative Party and-


Me: Hold on it doesn't matter who he used to work for, you say that as if you picked him knowing full-well about his racial views...


Frog Joke: No of course not, I just want to state that his views don't come from our party...


Me: Very well, let's talk about your immigration stances then shall we?


Frog Joke: Another subject I've tackled pretty much daily since-


Me: Your wife still working well is she?


Frog Joke: I...I...I can't-


Me: And what about your MEP candidates in the South East? A woman claiming to be your 'second in command' was found telling members of the public to fuck off as they handed out fliers for other parties in a town center...


Frog Joke: Well that...you see that...


*Robin the Frog pulls out a device and presses a button before running through the crowd chanting 'messing around in cars/halfway down the stairs'. I turn around to watch him flee as I see the reporter I knocked over pull himself up, his neck glitching out and his eyes glowing red...I knew that clang sound wasn't the sound of a human...*


Now Now Stop That! It's Silly...


It started off as a perfectly exaggerated piece of satire, and escalated into a strange frog-fuelled rant seemingly set in a world of your own concoction! Now, as this has gone on far enough when I say cut I order you to close this piece of writing in a perfectly fashionable and sensible manner...writer? CUT.



The truth is UKIP's apparent following is basically a 'light' version of what will probably transform into another BNP. Beyond my abundance of frog jokes lies a genuine worry that people will feed into this sort of thing, and whilst I know every other party has countless demons that I've not gone into here I feel that UKIP's are the most apparent (and easiest to provide satire - just like your mum) even though anything written with an opinion about the election is going to be ripe with disgust or outrage, I just hope that maybe that outrage can be tinged with a slight burst of knowing and maybe a chuckle or two...


Or do what you want. Fuck it. I hope your copy of Mrs. Brown's Boys D'Movie still works....


Nick Griffin teaches us to make a bland stew: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K8_HThEYP2o


Modern George back again now. Obviously UKIP diverted into the Brexit Party for all intents and purposes, and Farage is still for some reason allowed to spew whatever thoughtless opinions he has, but it's clear I decided to go for the easier target back then. Because now the fear of this general election is of the Tories, if not only for the sole reason of our beloved NHS.


So just a thought, if you value our National Health Service and use it, might I ask for you to swing your vote away from them? Maybe read up a little bit more, so you can help make a difference on the 12th December.


Don't forget to vote.


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